


Never Alone

by somnia_bebe



Series: all messed up [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Drug Use, Established Relationship, Idol-Verse, M/M, Suicide, all the members are assholes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-18 13:50:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16996200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somnia_bebe/pseuds/somnia_bebe
Summary: “We are not lost here together, we are not lost anymore. We’ll turn the tide, we’ll calm the storm.”Kihyun struggles with depression and Hyunwoo is always just a second too late.card bprompts: non - au x toxic relationship





	1. I Bring The Weather With Me

**Author's Note:**

> suggested songs: all fucked up, i bring the weather with me, and never alone all by the amity affliction!
> 
> please note that hyunwoo and kihyun are already in an established relationship! I tried writing in just how they started dating but it didn't really work out the way I had wanted!
> 
> enough talking, enjoy!

JULY

 

Sirens wailed in the distance as Kihyun made his way through Seoul. Pacing back and forth on an abandoned street, he pulled out a cigarette with shaky hands, struggling to light it. Flicking his lighter more times than he cared to count, the second his cigarette was lit he began filling his lungs with the toxic smoke. Taking another drag as he attempted to call Hyunwoo (only for his call to get denied) he continued to pace as he began calling the rest of his group only for them to send him to voicemail as well.

 

Finishing his cigarette with less shaky hands, the smoke burned his lungs. The feeling was more than welcomed. Walking around aimlessly (with a bagged bottle of vodka) well into the night, he came across a payphone, deciding to try calling Hyunwoo again.

 

“If he doesn’t know the number he’ll pick up right?” He whispered to himself as he pushed coins into the payphone. When the elder didn’t pick up, rage filled his vision. Slamming the phone onto the holder, he screamed out a “fuck you!” as people passed by staring at him. Finishing off the bottle, he dropped into some random trash can. Well, he thought he did.

 

Stumbling away, he began heading towards the nearest bar with the intention of getting more shit faced than he already was, with the possibly passing out on the street, again. How he was still an idol, no one really knew, least of all him.

 

Finally finding a bar, he made his way inside and sat down at the counter and ordered a bottle of soju, slapping down a couple bills. Twisting off the top and flicking it off somewhere into the distance, he began downing the liquid loving how it burned.

 

Despite knowing he was drinking both his life and his career (along with his money) away, Kihyun stayed almost all night at the bar knowing none of his band mates would notice his absence.

 

By the time the bar closed, he was surrounded by bottles of various liquors looking like the mess everyone knew he was. Wobbling out onto the street, he hailed a taxi knowing he should be asleep at the dorm.

 

He had to be up in a couple hours anyway, mostly due to the rest of the group being incapable of caring for themselves. Humming along to the song playing on the radio, he stared out the taxi window in his drunken haze.

 

_“All the panic, depression, hurt, and regret. Lying to myself “I don't think of death!” All the ups, all the downs, all the petty concerns. My whole world's imploding and I can't find the words, the truth is…”_

 

AUGUST

 

Standing outside some local coffee shop, Hyunwoo listened contently as Hoseok and Minhyuk rambled on about some random topic. Feeling his phone buzz against his leg, Hyunwoo pulled it out of his pocket, curious as to who was calling him. Frowning when Kihyun’s contact was displayed, he ignored the call.

 

Hyunwoo shoved his phone back into his pocket as he began walking down the street beside Hoseok and Minhyuk.

 

“Who was that?” Hoseok asked, sounding confused. It wasn’t often that any of them received phone calls, much less calls that they refused to take.

 

“Wrong number I guess.” He responded, intentionally ignoring the curious glance the others shot his way. He simply shrugged before suggesting ramen to get their minds off of the phone call. As they walked, his phone buzzed again. Pulling the device out once more, he let out a frustrated sigh. “Of course he’d leave a fucking voicemail.” He whispered to himself, knowing the duo couldn’t hear him.

 

_Message received on August 12 at 4:48 am._

 

_“Hey, hey, hyung, I’m calling you from abroad, no one else- no one is picking up. I tried calling you a bunch of times but you’re not picking up, please pick up, please pick up, please help me, I need help, please pick p- please-”_

 

_Message deleted._

 

⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈

 

 

Hearing his morning alarm go off, Kihyun grabbed his phone and turned it off. Remembering that their manager had given them the day off, he got up and dressed himself in an old band shirt paired with black skinnies and destroyed converse. Not bothering to wake up the other members, he made his way to the bathroom and combed his hair using his fingers.

 

“Who the fuck cares anyway?” He whispered to himself as he softly touched the bags under his lifeless eyes. For some reason he found himself missing Australia, despite leaving Hyunwoo a voicemail begging for help. It was a wonderful two week long semi-shit show. A self destructive Kihyun left with no manager was a terrible idea after all.

 

Leaving the bathroom with a black face mask in hand, he grabbed a random baseball hat, laughing to himself when he realized what it said. _Good times, bad friends._

 

Securing the hat on his head he walked out the door as he pulled on his face mask. “Time to get fucked up.” He whispered to himself, a smile on his face. He may not be abroad, but he was without a manager.

 

Arriving at the bar, Kihyun sat down and instantly started ordering drinks, not caring it wasn’t even noon. Sipping his soju peacefully, he scrolled through his social media enjoying his day off. By the time three in the afternoon had rolled around, a group of five or six sat down in a booth and began to order. Ignoring the group as best as he could, but, his tispy self had better (or were they shittier?) ideas.

 

As the group got louder and louder, he got more and more pissed off. Finally deciding he had enough, he threw a bottle at them yelling at them to shut the hell up.

 

“You wanna fucking go you scrawny piece of shit?” One of them had asked as he stood up.

 

“Yeah lets fucking go-” Before Kihyun could even finish his sentence, he was being thrown out of the bar and yelled at to never come back.

 

Sauntering his way onto the street, sun blinding him, he pulled up his face mask. Holding onto the wall for support as he walked, someone harshly knocked into his shoulder, sending him to the ground.

 

Rolling onto his back, Kihyun did the best he could to stand up, not making it very far before he began tripping over himself. Pulling out his phone, he thought about calling one of the members for help before reading the only message he had received.

 

_From Hoseok:_

_August 14th 09:26:_

We don’t care where you went

Just come back alive

 

_To Hoseok:_

_August 14th 15:20_

I make no promises

 

Refusing to go back to the dorm, he began heading towards the outskirts of Seoul. Reaching the slums, he turned onto a dead street and walked down the middle of it, not caring if someone hit him. Hell, he hoped someone did, at least no one would have to deal with him anymore.

 

None of the other members knew he had leased a house, well, except Hoseok. The elder had nearly beat it out of him, demanding to know where Kihyun always went on their days off. To say it was an actual house was a fucking joke. It was way too old for an actual family to live in, and on top of that, it was probably condemned.

 

All of the drug abuse and self medication had started somewhere between the Beautiful and Shine Forever promotions, his parents had died in a car crash completely desensitizing him. None of the members heard his quiet crying late at night and by the time he was ready to tell the others, promotions for Shine Forever had begun. No matter what, he couldn’t drag his members down with him. Yet he was still doing it anyway. It was the thought that counted, right?

 

Shortly after the funeral, he began smoking pot and drinking occasionally but it wasn’t enough. No matter where he turned or who he turned to it was always dark and lonely. Well over a year had passed now and he was still void of any emotion. Opening the door to his shitty little house, he kicked it shut as he pulled out his last box of cigarettes.

 

By the time he made it to the fridge, he had successfully lit it and his lungs were filled with something other than oxygen. Grabbing a bottle of coke, he swung the door shut before returning to the trashed living room. He smiled softly to himself when he remembered the bottle of rum waiting for him on the coffee table.

 

Pulling his latest medication out of his pocket, he grabbed his box of zig zags off the table and pulled one out. Humming some tune he couldn’t quite remember as he rolled the blunt, he took another drag from his cigarette as he rolled a couple more.

 

“You can never get too fucked up.” He whispered to himself, laying down on the couch, knowing he wouldn’t be seeing his band mates until sometime the next day.

 

Walking around the small house, Kihyun giggled every time he bumped into something as he looked for his notepad and pen. He already had a few drafted and or destroyed suicide notes littering the ground, but what was a few more to the collection?

 

NOVEMBER

 

“Just what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Hyunwoo screamed at the main vocalist. The elder had found him drinking and smoking in some dingy bar yet again.

 

“Its funny, so god damn funny. During No Mercy you were my biggest enemy, and then you became my best friend and one of my support pillars. But now, you fuc-” Hyunwoo stepped away and turned around as he ran a hand through his hair before turning back to the younger.

 

“Now you’re just a fucking piece of shit that’s dragging all seven of us down! Into this bullshit void you threw yourself into! This isn't even fucking trust anymore, it hasn't been for a long time and we all know it! It's manipulation!” Hyunwoo had only begun voicing his thoughts to the other vocalist, he had so much more to scream at him but he couldn't find the words. His breaths were heavy as he breathed in the stale air in the recording room.

 

He couldn't even remember what had finally set him off, he was just pissed at the younger. Was it because they were finally alone and everything had been building up for so long? or was it because of something else that he hadn't realized yet? For someone who says he didn't care, he sure as hell seemed to care a lot. _Nice job Son Hyunwoo, you're a fucking hypocrite._

 

“I know…” Kihyun whispered, looking towards the ground. His eyes that used to sparkle were now void of all emotion. “I have something selfish to ask.”

 

“Do you really deserve to ask anything of us?” Hyunwoo replied, voice still laced with venom as he crossed his arms over his chest.

 

Silence.

 

“No. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” With that, Kihyun gave Hyunwoo a shallow bow before he turned away, walking out of the studio with his head still hanging.

 

The next day Hyunwoo was called into a meeting with the managers of all their artists, along with the leaders to represent their respective groups. It didn’t take long after Hyunwoo took his seat for the door to open again. The company’s CEO and the rest of the executive board walked into the conference room causing the air to still. There had to be some sort of bad news, if the entire board was here. _Did they find out about Kihyun?_

 

Once everyone was seated, Hyunwoo took a sip from his water glass silently as he worried over his leader position. While waiting for the meeting to officially start, Hyunwoo began playing scenarios in his head, in all of them his contract was terminated and Monsta X lost their leader. The aging CEO cleared his throat, grabbing everyone’s attention.

 

“Everyone, you’re not in trouble, nor do I bring bad news.” A sigh of relief washed through the conference room. “From now, November first, until December 27th you’ll all be on break. Take the month and a half to relax, visit family, do as you wish. All we ask is that you still uphold the Starship name.”

 

A smile broke out onto Hyunwoo’s face, they hadn't found out about Kihyun and he was going to keep his both his contract and position. Next to him Exy was holding in some type of excited squeak, afterall it had been a long time since his sister group had been given a break like this. Then, Donghyun raised his hand, with a nod from the CEO he began to speak.

 

“With all due respect sir. I’d like to meet with you about Boyfriend’s future activities and enlistments.”

 

“Of course Donghyun, go ahead and call the members here and we can discuss it. Everyone else, you may be dismissed.” All of the managers and leaders stood up (with the exception of Donghyun and Boyfriend’s manager) and left with a quick bow, excitement running through their veins.

 

Quickly returning to the dorms, Hyunwoo sat everyone down not noticing Kihyun’s absence. Sharing the good news with the group, he watched as Changkyun and Jooheon ran off to their room to pack.

 

By the next morning everyone had returned to their respective homes with the exception of Kihyun and himself. As Hyunwoo was walking into the kitchen to get himself some form of food, it had finally occurred to him: Kihyun hadn’t returned to the dorm the night before. Shrugging it off he placed a pan on the stove and went to grab some eggs.

 

On the third day of the break Hyunwoo was starting to get fed up with the main vocalist. He was expecting the other to return or at the very least text or call him. Grabbing his phone, Hyunwoo walked into the living room laying on his back on the couch. Holding his phone above his face with an arm supporting his head, he began playing music as he scrolled through social media.

 

Humming to himself, the door opened quietly revealing a sick-looking Kihyun. Glancing up to the other, he felt his mood instantly sour as Kihyun closed the door quietly. The main vocalist stood in front of the door with his head hanging, no doubt ready to get reprimanded for not coming back. Sitting up properly and setting his phone down he called the other over with a wave of his hand.

 

The moment Kihyun was standing in front of him, Hyunwoo dropped his head into his hands before looking up at the younger. “We have from now until December 27th off, do whatever the hell you want. The other members have already left and I’m going back home as well. You’re welcome to stay here, just don’t do something stupid.”

 

With that Kihyun nodded and walked towards his room. Hyunwoo grabbed his phone once more and sent a quick text to his parents informing them of his return home today.

 

⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈

 

_Message received on November 22nd at 3:16 am._

 

_“Hello? Are you there? Listening? I’m just trying to get in touch hyung, I’ve been so fucking- so fucking down lately. Like, I don’t know what’s happening, I’m just so tired all the time. I’m trying to sleep, I just, I just lay there quiet. Can’t speak cause everyone around me is passed out. And my mind is fucking raging, uh, hello? I don’t even know why I called, I think it- I think it might be time for me to leave. Just call it quits, I’m sick of this. It’s the same fucking day, every day. I think I sleep, I can’t be sure though, it’s all the same now. Drink, drink, drink again. I’m tired hyung. I think it- you don’t wanna hear this, I’m a mess. I’m sorry hyung I just didn’t know who to turn to. No one really hears me you know? I speak, at least I think I speak, but no one hears me. I’ve said enough. Hello? Hello? I shouldn’t have called…”_

 

Hyunwoo sighed to himself, as he stared at the blinding phone screen. Just what the fuck was Kihyun thinking? Whatever. The robotic female voice informed him that he had deleted the message as he set his phone back down and rolled over, drifting back off to sleep. He’d get back to him in the morning. Maybe.

 

A couple days had passed since the eerie voicemail but somehow, he still couldn’t bring himself to care. He knew he was being a shitty leader and toxic friend to Kihyun but really they all were. Were they even friends anymore?

 

The other group members couldn’t babysit Kihyun 24/7 like a child, he was an adult he should be able to take care of himself. Grimacing to himself, Hyunwoo quickly shooed away the thought of Kihyun, he had a vacation to enjoy.

 

It had been almost a week and Hyunwoo hadn’t heard from Kihyun since, nor had he responded. Feeling slightly guilty, he Kihyun a text instructing the younger to meet him at the company. He had worded the text carefully enough to make sure Kihyun would think he was in trouble.

 

Noon had finally rolled around and Hyunwoo was finally leaving his parent’s house to start the somewhat short commute to the company. When he arrived, Kihyun was sitting on the bench outside staring at the ground and looking like a kicked dog.

 

Shoving his hands into his jacket pockets, he stared down the younger suddenly feeling frustrated. Kihyun had no right to always look so disappointed and pitiful, everything he did, he did it to himself. Glaring at him, he ordered the younger to follow him.

 

“Why did you contact me?” Kihyun whispered, protecting himself with his arms crossed against his chest.

 

“Because, it’s my job to check up on all of the members even during vacation. I don’t need the execs thinking I’m a shitty leader just because of you. Plus I had no idea if you were at the dorm or out on the streets again.” A part of him didn’t mean for it to sound so venomous, but he couldn’t help it. Kihyun was dragging the group down after all. The younger had said something that sounded vaguely like “I might as well be on the streets”, but he shoved the thought aside. 

 

“If there’s anything you want to or need to do, speak now.”

 

“I don’t want or need anything hyung, you really don’t have to do this. I know you don’t want to.” Kihyun said, trailing off before opening his mouth to speak again. “Actually I do have one thing I want, I want you to know that I lov-”

 

“At least you’re aware,” He cut Kihyun off with a scoff, not caring for what the other had to say. They continued walking down the street, Kihyun a step or two behind the older. Every once in awhile a fan would wave at them or ask for a picture, Hyunwoo didn’t necessarily mind, it was nice. But when the fans had wanted him to pose with the other vocalist, he had unvoiced issues with it.

 

By the time night had fallen onto the city, the duo was sitting outside some random ramen shop that Hyunwoo had looked up. Eating in complete silence, Kihyun finally spoke without being spoken to. The younger spoke so rarely now a days that sometimes Hyunwoo forgot how much he hated his voice.

 

“I-I’m sorry for being like this hyung,” He gestured to himself using both hands. “I’m just so god damn fucked up and-”

 

“Yeah well what the hell do you want from me Kihyun? We’re both fucked up okay, you have your own issues just like the rest of us, so fucking grow up and deal with them.” With that, Hyunwoo slapped some bills on the table before getting up from the table. He knew he was taking his anger out on Kihyun, but he still couldn't bring himself to care.

 

Turning away, Hyunwoo began walking towards the train station, leaving Kihyun behind with unseen tears streaming down his cheeks. The only thought on Hyunwoo's mind continued to inform him of the wasted day.

 

⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈⋈

 

Kihyun sat against the metal shutter door to some closed garage. Pulling his knees to his chest, quiet sobs began racking through his body as people walked by, not sparing him a single glance. Everything was slipping through his fingers like sand, no matter what he tried, he was always hanging on while losing his grip.

 

It had been a few days since he spent the day together with Hyunwoo, and although they didn't do much, it had still meant everything to him. He had also realized just how little he meant to Hyunwoo himself, and to the rest of the group. Thoughts of death streamed through his head, the voices of his members all encouraging him.

 

After sitting there for what felt like hours, he couldn’t really tell, the progression of time while he was high always varied. Finally standing up he began heading back towards the dorm. Once he arrived back at the shared apartment, he stood in front of the door in complete silence, staring at it. _Do I really want to go in there? Or am I here because I have to be?_

 

Opening the door with a weak arm Kihyun sauntered his way to the couch. With booze still running through his system, he laid down on his side, arm hanging off the couch and stared at some random spot on the wall, zoning out.

 

When he finally came back to his senses he fixed his posture and pulled a small bag out of his jacket’s inner pocket. Laying out the ounce of coke on the table he began making lines with some random card he pulled from his wallet. Once the white powder was neat and tidy, he smiled softly to himself as he rolled his last 1,000 won bill.

 

Various pills, bottles, crumpled papers, and cheap cigarette boxes were laid out all across the shared space and yet he couldn’t bring himself to care. Why should he when no one else did? Both stoned Kihyun and sober Kihyun had come to the same conclusion.

 

Spending the next day or so in the apartment, he made sure his existence was completely erased. The whole apartment was neat and tidy, fridge and cupboards stocked with food and various drinks. Dishes done and put away, the same with laundry. All his shit had been packed up into a couple decent sized boxes, all he had to do now was leave his keys and employee I.D on the table.

 

Ordering an Uber, he brought his boxes downstairs and waited patiently as he sat on one of them. Typing away on his phone as he composed an email to the CEO wishing to nullify his contract (his debt had been paid off after all), a car pulled up in front of him. After confirming his identity with the driver using a nod of his head, he put his boxes into the back and joined the driver in the front. Staring out the window, head resting on his hand. A soft but oddly haunting melody played through the stereo. Building up the courage to ask, he began to wonder when he spoke last.

 

“Who is this?” He asked in a quiet voice, knowing he forgot what he sounded like. Inhaling deeply, thankful that his voice didn’t crack, he blew out the air as quietly as he could.

 

“Someone named Alicks, the whole album is like this. It’s oddly calming.” The driver responded, not bothering to look at Kihyun.

 

“It’s haunting but nice, I like it.” The driver simply hummed in response as they turned onto Kihyun’s street.

 

DECEMBER

 

Almost a month had passed since Kihyun’s voicemail and it was only a matter of time before the younger had left another. Snow littered the ground now and they hadn’t seen each other since that day after the second voicemail thanks to the break. Despite spending the entire day together, the only thing Hyunwoo could recall was just how dead the younger had looked.

 

Grabbing his phone, he frowned when he spotted the new voicemail. “Guess I was right.” He whispered into the air.

 

_Message received on December 25th at 5:14 am._

 

“5:14 huh? It’s almost like we matter to him.” Hyunwoo frowned as he continued listening.

 

_“Hello, it’s me, again. I know I shouldn’t have called but I really didn’t know who else to turn to. Remember the last time we talked? You said we were both fucked up, you said you understood because you were fucked up too. I just, I just wanted to speak to you before… well, I think you know what I’m saying. If you’re there, please pick up, please. Just for a minute. Please…”_

 

_Message deleted._

 

A few minutes had passed with Hyunwoo doing nothing but rolling around in bed. After what felt like hours, he finally got up and opened his shades as sirens began wailing as they sped past his family’s house, turning onto a street that led towards the slums of Seoul. Shuddering at the mere thought of the slums, he looked out onto the horizon spotting the sun as it began to rise. Grabbing his phone off his nightstand, he scrolled through his contacts before finding Kihyun’s.

 

“I should probably check up on him.” He whispered to himself. But did he really want to? No. Did his job require him to? Yes. Tapping on the contact, he sighed as he called the younger waiting for the dial tone to start.

 

_“The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected, please call back.”_ Thinking nothing of it, Hyunwoo simply set his phone down and began getting ready for the day.


	2. This Could Be Heartbreak

Once Hyunwoo finished going through his morning routine, he walked out of his house and out into the natural light, stepping in the fresh snow. Breathing in the fresh air, a smile bloomed on his face as he pulled his jacket close around his body. Sure today was Christmas but it never hurt to go for a nice walk, more-so when the forecast predicted even more snow. A true white Christmas. He couldn’t recall the last time that had happened.

 

Walking through the oddly silent city, he spotted an elderly preacher in the distance standing on a street corner with a cane and a bible in his hands. As he continued walking in the preacher’s direction, Hyunwoo could see the fog coming from his mouth as he spoke to no one but himself. Once he was close enough to hear what the elder was saying, he attempted to tune it out but ultimately failed.

 

“Lord John will save us all on this eve, it’s never too late to save yourselves. Do not abandon your brothers and sisters.” Something about what the preacher was saying sent shivers down his spine. Shaking the words from his head, he crossed the street and continued on.

 

Deciding to take a deviate from his typical path, he came across an old church with the doors open, warmth seeping out into the cold streets. A small choir of voices rang out.

 

“Will you save my life? Or will you say goodbye?” A frown had now replaced his neutral expression. It was almost as if the universe was trying to tell him something. What was supposed to be a normal Christmas morning had turned into one of the most unsettling days of his life.

 

Both the preacher and the choir’s words continued to ring through his head as he continued walking along. Repeating the words to himself silently with the thought of Kihyun on his mind. Hyunwoo pulled out his phone and stared at the black screen. “Maybe I should try calling him again.”

 

Slowing his pace with his thoughts linking things together, he came to a standstill in the middle of the busy sidewalk. People bumped into him as the walked by, feeling the bodies brush by him, some saying rude things as everything began making sense to him. All those times Kihyun had called and left voicemails, and the times he didn’t, the younger had been truly afraid of himself and was crying out. Cries none of them had leant an ear to. Cries that they had all gone as far as invalidating them.

 

Fearing the worst, Hyunwoo shoved the phone back into his pocket and began running towards the outskirts of the city after retrieving Kihyun’s personal address from the reluctant Hoseok. By the time Hyunwoo had reached the slums of Seoul, he was out of breath and sirens made themselves clear as they came towards him. Without a single thought besides Kihyun’s name and voicemails on his mind, he checked the address again, wondering if Hoseok had sent him the wrong one. He began sprinting down the middle of the street towards (what he oddly hoped both was and wasn’t) the younger’s house.

 

The sirens passed by him and he breathed out a sigh of relief as he approached the front door, knocking softly. The younger never really liked going out, especially on holidays. Holding his breath and hoping that he had the right address and that Kihyun had decided to stay in once more, he knocked again before peering through the window.

 

Broken bottles, cigarette boxes, and crumpled papers laid scattered all across the living room amongst other things. Worry sank into him as he began banging on the door waiting for a response.

 

“There’s no way in hell that little clean freak could live like this.” He whispered to himself. voice laced with worry as he knocked again. When no response came, Hyunwoo kicked open the door not caring if he set off any type of alarm, all that mattered right now was finding Kihyun.

 

Spotting something out of the corner of his eye, he ran through the field of trash towards the coffee table Kihyun was standing on. Looking up at his face, Hyunwoo realized Kihyun was wearing a necklace of rope. Grabbing the younger’s legs, he lifted him up gently, hope blooming in his chest. He had made it just in time, maybe he could finally be a decent leader and boyfriend and help the other.

 

Kihyun looked like absolute shit. He reeked of booze and smoke leaving an unpleasant taste in his mouth, but that didn’t matter right now. “Kihyun, I’m so sorry.” He began as he stepped up onto the coffee table, still lifting up the younger who was now almost sitting on Hyunwoo’s forearm. Kihyun’s head hung lifelessly with his arms by his side.

 

“No you’re not. None of you are. I spent months crying for help but yet none of you listened. Everyday when I woke up my thoughts were on the ceiling but my feet were on the ground. Do you know what that feels like? Waking up to the thought of suicide? Knowing that none of your “friends” much less your boyfriend and leader give a shit? No matter how hard and loud you scream for them?” Tears began pricking at the younger’s eyes, quiet sniffs sounding through out the smoke-filled air.

 

“All of those times I called, I was staring into the void and it was calling for me but I always refused with the tiniest bit of hope that someone would notice. The first time I left you a voicemail I was in Australia filming that bit for that stupid ass drama, and I was ready to end it all, happy that none of you would know.” A small smile graced his lips as the tears began drying up, it was almost like he was out of tears to cry.

 

“The second time was the day after my birthday, everyone had forgotten but I couldn’t blame any of you. Everyone is so busy now a days while I’m wasting away.” Kihyun put on a sad smile that didn’t even reach his eyes, he was broken, and all of them had done it to him.

 

“When we saw each other last and I told you that I loved you, I had meant it. The way you care about the others and act as their support, and how you’re so patient and willing to listen to them, I couldn’t help myself. But, I was jealous as well. So many times I wished you would do the same for me. It was a useless wish.” Hyunwoo opened his mouth to speak when Kihyun had finally looked at him. Hyunwoo adjusted his forearm slightly, hoping to reach and take off the rope the younger had been wearing throughout their entire one-sided conversation.

 

Hyunwoo had ignored him long enough, he was going to listen to his screams and cries now, he was going to be better, he was going to support Kihyun no matter what, he was-

 

“But, none of this matters now anyway.” He said with a sad smile.

 

Finally deciding to speak Hyunwoo thought carefully about what he was going to say. A shot shattered the air, and Kihyun went limp. Always a second too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would anyone be interested in an epilogue? feel free to let me know in the comments!
> 
> I'm pretty sure this is the ending everyone was expecting but it was still fun to write it and let out some of my personal issues in the process
> 
> if you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> so was that what any of you were expecting? Usually I don’t try to go for misleading titles or summaries, but for this it just /fit/  
> any comments / feedback are more than welcome!
> 
> if you wanna contact me, here's my social!  
> twitter: @bemyfriendmv (i post updates here!)  
> discord: GLITCHii#3798


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